MV Quick Tip: When You or Your Partner Are Upset, Do This

If you’re a woman who feels frustrated that your partner won’t talk about his feelings with you…

OR

If you’re a man who feels like you’re constantly getting blamed or accused…

Today’s MarsVenus Quick Tip is for you.

In love, little things make a big difference. In the day-to-day of your relationship, it can feel overwhelming to address all the problems or create all your dreams at once. That's why we love to bring you these quick tips. Something accessible you can try on and experiment with. It might be new, it might be a helpful reminder, and it might be totally counterintuitive. We invite you to play along.

Men and women process their feelings differently, which can be a real relationship road bump that you’ll hit again and again if you don’t take steps to understand one another better.

In this post, we’ll share how men and women are different when it comes to processing and sharing emotions, plus what each partner can do to help the other feel more loved and supported so you can enjoy a deeply connected and peaceful relationship.

While women process their feelings directly through talking…

Men need something different.

What men need is to do something while silently thinking about their feelings.

It’s only after first thinking about his feelings that it will benefit a man to talk about his feelings.

Here’s why:

Generally speaking, a man feels the need to talk mainly when he thinks it will help convey information to solve a problem.

So if someone has offended or hurt him, he may feel the urge to talk.

But in talking, his intention is to convey what was wrong or what should change.

This is quite different from a woman’s need to talk when she is upset.

And it’s also why there is often so much misunderstanding between partners.

When a woman is upset and wants to talk about it, a man can mistakenly believe that she is saying that he is wrong and should change. 

This is because when an emotional man feels the same need, he is blaming and accusing.

She, on the other hand, is not.

Men must learn that when a woman shares feelings, no matter how angry and accusing she sounds, she is really asking for empathy.

She simply needs a compassionate ear to listen to her in a caring way.

This alone — without him trying to fix or change her feelings — will shift her emotional state from angry and upset to calm and loving.

But with men, the opposite is true.

Talking when he’s upset may actually make him more upset.

Women must learn that when a man is upset, he must first think about his feelings before he’ll be ready to talk.

With this new understanding, a woman can appreciate the wisdom of not persisting in trying to draw a man out when he is angry or doesn’t want to talk.

The best thing she can do for him and the relationship is to take special pains to gracefully postpone their conversation, even if he is willing to talk while emotionally upset.

This is because when a man gets angry, a discussion can quickly escalate into a painful argument.

And while it is helpful to assist a woman in expressing angry feelings by calmly listening to her, the same is not true in the reverse.

It is not helpful to assist a man in getting his anger out.

Instead, give him time to cool off.

Let him watch TV or go to a movie.

After pulling away, he will then be able to have a more compassionate discussion.

This will help you have a productive, loving conversation instead of a heated argument.

Remember, thriving in love doesn’t have to be complicated. Just keep learning and taking small steps because you deserve a great relationship!

Grow in love,