MV Quick Tip: Instead of Arguing, Try This

If you’ve been having a hard time navigating upsets or arguments in your relationship, today’s MarsVenus Quick Tip is for you.

In love, little things make a big difference. In the day-to-day of your relationship, it can feel overwhelming to address all the problems or create all your dreams at once. That's why we love to bring you these quick tips. Something accessible you can try on and experiment with. It might be new, it might be a helpful reminder, and it might be totally counterintuitive. We invite you to play along.

In order to experience a more easeful process of getting over disagreements, we suggest pausing when you’re upset and trying a new approach.

Men and women both make incorrect assumptions when they’re upset, often leaving both partners feeling misunderstood.

In this post, you’ll learn why men argue with emotions, the reason women sometimes need to express negativity, and what to do to improve your communication and build a more loving and supportive bond.

Sometimes we expect or assume that our partner’s experience is similar to ours, and therefore they should easily understand us.

Unfortunately, that expectation can cause lots of frustration and friction in your relationship because men and women don’t experience negative emotions in the same way.

While men mistakenly assume that an emotional woman is inflexible in her thinking, women mistakenly assume that simply listening will help a man feel less upset.

While that may be what she’d like, it’s not what he needs.

What men don’t realize that is so important is this:

When a woman has a chance to share her feelings freely, that alone helps her begin to feel more loving.

When a woman is upset, she is not:

• Drawing conclusions
• Expressing fixed opinions
• Giving an accurate description of objective reality
• Blaming her partner.

She simply talks to discover the range of feelings within herself.

A woman is more concerned with discovering and describing what is going on in her subjective inner world.

She is not talking to give an accurate description of objective reality.

Not only that, but her feelings will often change shortly after she expresses them.

But after a woman shares a negative feeling, a man mistakenly takes it as her final conclusion and thinks she is blaming him.

He doesn’t know that her feelings are fluid and will change if he just holds a supportive space for her to talk them out.

On the other hand, when a man is upset and talks with the person who is upsetting him, he has an entirely different experience.

When men are “emotionally upset,” their upset will only increase if they start talking about it. Their stress levels go up rather than down.

Unlike women, men need to go to their cave and lower their stress levels so that they can return to their partner in a non-emotional, detached state.

Often, they will either come back with a proposed solution or the problem they were upset about will no longer upset them.

Coming back to the conversation later when they have cooled off emotionally and rational thought prevails is the most helpful thing for the relationship.

This is why it’s so hard for men to relate to women in expressing their emotions. 

For women, it is productive. For men, it is counterproductive.

It’s also why it’s hard for women to relate to men, who must detach and find a solution to their problem in order to put it to rest or feel better.

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Here’s what we suggest to help ease friction and come back to love more quickly:

Men, when your partner is upset with you:

Remember that her feelings will change when she expresses them in a safe space without any resistance or effort to change her and her point of view. Your job is to listen and trust that this storm will pass.

Women, when your partner is upset with you:

Understand that he must lower his stress levels first to either find a solution or detach from his upset entirely before he will feel better. So instead of listening to him or encouraging him to "talk it out," your job is to exit the conversation if he’s showing increased emotional upset and give him the space he needs to "cave it out."

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By practicing with this new understanding and maybe counterintuitive approach, you can bypass unnecessary drama and support each other in your mutual happiness, peace of mind, and wellbeing.

Remember, thriving in love doesn’t have to be complicated. Just keep learning and taking small steps because you deserve a great relationship!

Grow in love,