How to Talk About Your Feelings So He Listens

It’s easy to not talk about your feelings in a relationship. It’s easy to swallow your voice and let the issues brew.

It’s easy until it feels so hard you’re crying on the phone with your mother just bursting with things to say!

But where does that leave your relationship?

What if I told you I could teach you how to talk about your feelings in a relationship with confidence that he will hear you, respect you and truly listen?

In this post, I’ll show you the 2-step solution you can apply to speak from the heart, share your feelings, and grow in love with your partner. Ready?
 

Hi Lauren,

How can I use my voice and speak from the heart in a way that can be received? I tend to let things brew instead of talking about them.

– Rissa

I love this question! I think we can all relate to brewing on things since it can seem easier than using our voice to express our hopes, desires, frustrations, and disappointments out loud. After all, he could get mad, he could get defensive, he could shut down or shut you out.

And that’s scary.

Which leads me to...

The Biggest Mistake Women Make When They Talk About Their Feelings in a Relationship

The biggest mistake women make is to wait until they get really mad before they have the courage to use their voice.

Anger does feel powerful and true. You feel righteous and your voice gets loud and strong.

You’re not going to put up with this anymore!
You’re not going to go without anymore!

And so you take a stand.

And that’s great when it comes to local activism, standing up for causes, educating people on politics, etc.

But it’s not going to bring you closer to your partner or closer to getting what you want from him. He’s not going to be able to receive it and that’s the whole point of communicating, right? To be heard?

That’s why I love your question so much. I love that you’re thinking about it so practically. It’s not just about using our voices; it’s about using our voices so that we can be heard. It’s about honoring our audience as much as ourselves.

This is a big topic so today I’m going to give you a beginner’s snapshot and a couple of really helpful resources if you want to take it a step further.

The 2 Step Solution: How to Talk About Your Feelings

This is all about picking up the right tool for the job. So first, we need to get clear about what these jobs are.

Job #1: Addressing issues in real-time.

If you deal with little things as they come up, the tool can be as simple as setting a boundary.

Job #2: Draining away the potion you’ve brewed up.

If you let things brew, the issue tends to get bigger and the feelings around it more charged. In this case, the tool I recommend takes a little more time, nurturing, and effort. Think long-term relationship goals: a bit of effort every day over time lays the groundwork for these discussions to go well. After all, it took time to brew, therefore it makes sense that it will take time to drain away.

I’m going to show you how to talk about your feelings in your relationship, use your voice, and speak from the heart in a way that can be received by your partner. Ready?

Addressing Issues in Real-Time

As I mentioned above, addressing the issues that come up in real-time saves you a LOT of work, heartache, suffering, and drama.

The best way to do this is with a boundary or a request.

These are communication skills worth developing.

Most of what keeps us from setting a boundary is not knowing how and being afraid of what the response might be. And yes, if you charge into it without any training (or with misinformation), you’ll probably create a lot more drama than is necessary.

Draining Away the Potion You’ve Brewed Up

As I mentioned above if you’ve already let things build up, it becomes a slightly bigger job to slowly drain the potion we call: resentment.

One way to do this by using your voice is to practice sharing negative feelings with your partner using an exercise we call: The Venus Talk.

Speaking from your heart and hearing what your heart has to say is something both you and your partner need to practice together in order to get better at it.

If you jump on a pair of skis without effective training and go to the top of the biggest mountain and just “wing it,” you’re going to fall on your butt and get some bruises.

You’re also now doing a relationship like 98% of the world’s population btw; no wonder people think romantic relationships are so rough!

It’s really important whether you’re single with no prospects, dating with few prospects, in a budding romance, or married for 30 years, to practice relationship skills because practice makes perfect… or at least better. And better can make a world of difference!

So before you climb the biggest mountain and express the feelings in your heart that could be perceived as a complaint or criticism about your partner or the relationship, go on the bunny slope and express your negative feelings about OTHER people and things.

Use the Venus Talk to practice sharing your negative feelings in a structured context that will create positive and successful associations for both you and your partner. You’ll become more confident and open with your voice and he will become a much better listener. You will co-create a trust that will help you when you launch off the bigger mountain and start to address the issues in your heart around him and the relationship.

To learn how to address the deeper hurts, betrayals, and issues in your relationship, read the book, What You Feel, You Can Heal, where my dad walks you through the art of writing a letter that will change your life. (Psst... He actually drew those cartoons himself. I have such a cool dad!)

With practice and a series of positive experiences with these new tools, you will grow in confidence. It takes courage to try something new but I promise you, it’s so totally worth it.

With love,