Everything is fine until she drops the line: “I need you to open up, and tell me how you feel.”
Noooooo!!! Everything crawls into slow motion as you realize what she’s asked of you. You do a lingering blink hoping to get saved by the bell or text or natural disaster.
But there she is when you open your eyes and she still wants you to share your feelings, and if you don’t do it right, she’s gonna get mad or inconceivably sad and disappointed.
Is there any way to win?
YES! I’m going to show you the easiest way to hack into this conversation using the “Lunch Menu” technique so that you look good, she walks away satisfied, and you don’t have to talk about anything you don’t want to.
Thank goodness for MarsVenus gender intelligence. Phew!
I’ve been with this girl for 2 months, and it’s great. The problem is that our communication styles are worlds apart, and she has asked me to share with her how I ‘feel’ about things. This is not something I am accustomed to, but I’ve been trying. For example, last night I asked her how her day of teaching at a new school went, and I listened for an hour about the ins and outs of her day. Then she asked me how my day was, and before I even started, she shut me down and said, “Look, I know you hate talking about stuff, so don’t even bother.” I was shattered. I really like this girl, but she’s not even giving me a chance, and it pisses me off. Any suggestions?
I get it. You have every right to be pissed (discouraged and confused) right now.
You are trying to meet her needs, and yet you are being punished for not meeting her unrealistic expectations.
A man thrives off of making his partner happy, so disappointing her can feel devastating.
On top of that, she’s totally giving you mixed signals. What’s up with that?
Here’s what’s going on:
Why She Is Acting So Weird
She feels hurt that you don’t share as much as she does. That’s the core issue here.
Women bond by sharing their feelings — that’s how she feels close to you. When you don’t share the way she does, she feels like you don’t feel close to her, like her love and trust are not reciprocated.
Many people mistakenly believe that a relationship has to be “tit for tat” in order to be reciprocal. But as all my Academy graduates know, there’s a much more fulfilling way to experience reciprocal love.
But since she hasn’t gone through my program, let’s assume she doesn’t know how to get her needs met effectively, okay? Slightly more work for you but totally do-able in this case.
Because you don’t share your feelings the way she does, she feels exposed, hurt, and assumes you don’t love her. Rather than expressing that insecurity in an effective way, she lashes out and shuts you down before you have a chance to hurt her more.
Pretty bleak outcome considering you were doing your absolute best to make her happy!!! There has to be a better solution…and there is!
Don’t Give Her What She Wants. Give Her What She Needs.
She’s asking for you to talk about your feelings because what she ultimately needs is to connect and experience intimacy with you.
She doesn’t understand that the way a man bonds with a woman is by taking action to make her happy: giving her his jacket when it’s cold, planning and taking her out on a date, helping her up a steep climb on a hike…listening to her talk about her day.
Men don’t bond through talking and sharing their feelings; they bond through action, through what he physically does for her.
So don’t give her what she’s asking for. Because even if you did it perfectly, it wouldn’t give her what she needs to feel satisfied and fulfilled in a relationship.
If you start sharing all your feelings like she’s asking you to, over time, she would lose her attraction to you.
When men share too much of their feelings, it sounds like complaining, and women feel responsible for those problems and want to help them. Their maternal instincts kick in, and they sacrifice all their needs in order to take care of their partner. Once a woman steps into this mother role, she cannot sustain attraction for her mate. A mother cannot love her child that way.
The dynamic of this is “intimate,” but it’s no longer the romantic or passionate kind of intimacy a relationship needs to thrive.
This is why it is deadly to give her what she’s asking for. Instead, give her something that creates the healthy kind of intimacy for your relationship. I’ll show you how:
Introducing… The “Lunch Menu” Technique!
Share just enough that she feels included in your life and your daily experience — but not enough that it starts to sound like complaining.
Here’s the trick: When she asks you about your day, instead of sharing your feelings, share what you physically did that day.
Rather than say: “I feel [this].”
Say: “I did [this].”
Report on what you did — not how you feel.
Most men don’t think their day warrants that much telling. Unless the sky fell or you got a promotion, it’s not really worth talking about.
So, I want you to throw away the idea that your day isn’t interesting and tell her what you did. Because it’s not about how interesting your story is; it’s about opening up, sharing the physical sound of your voice, and letting her see into your inner world.
Don’t be intimidated by “inner world.”
Here are some ideas that will be ENOUGH to meet her need for connection:
What did you eat for lunch? Where did you eat? What did you see? Were you late to work? Early? Who did you talk to? How was traffic? What song did you listen to? Did you have a song stuck in your head? What was it? Did you find a new spot to eat lunch? What was it? Any gossip you can share? Did you drool over your Amazon cart? What are you currently drooling over?
After you give her just a few specific insights into what your day looked like (you don’t have to report on everything, just the things you feel comfortable sharing – aka your lunch menu!), say something like:
“And then I couldn’t wait to get home because I knew I’d get to see you.”
She’ll LOVE it. That is enough.
With this new communication insight, you can avoid talking about your feelings (yay!), and she’ll feel like you reciprocate her love and trust because you’ve shared something of your inner world.
One Last Secret (That My Cleaning Lady Taught Me!)
Over time, when a man doesn’t take steps to share part of his inner world with his partner, she will get very insecure and start asking you harder questions that you can’t get out of, like:
“How do you feel about this relationship?”
When you SHOW your feelings for her through listening to her talk, doing little things for her, and sharing what you do daily, you don’t have to TELL her how you feel about the relationship because she’ll already feel reassured, loved, and secure.
My cleaning lady once told me, “You know, if you clean up regularly after you use the stove, you don’t have to pay me to spend 30 minutes on it.” She calls it “preventative clean.” It’s a gesture you make on the regular that doesn’t cost much so you can save yourself from a higher cost later on.
Hope this helps to motivate you to share what you had for lunch. 😉