Can we agree on this? Whether you’re married or not, figuring out how to get what you want from a man in a relationship can be a complicated business! Especially in those moments where you feel disappointed or dissatisfied.
It’s inevitable that you’ll be confronted with habits and ways that don’t fit with your intuitive way of doing things (or flat out upset you!). You need something to change, but how do you get what you want?
In this episode of Ask Lauren, I’ll show you how to use your unique “Venus” talents to get what you want from a man. No 1950’s “make it seem like his idea” manipulation required.
The best part? All it takes is a simple communication tweak. Once you learn it, the sky’s the limit.
I love your blogs. They’ve helped me so much. My question is: My boyfriend moved in with me about two months ago. Both of us have been living on our own for more than 10 years, and for me, I get upset when I see his bad-living-together habits creeping into my space. How do I keep it at a minimum without making living with me miserable for him? Thank you, Lauren, for your advice!! Xxoo.
Great question. I remember when I moved in with my partner, it was a really big adjustment. Most couples confront some drama figuring it out. It’s one of the first big tests for your relationship where you’re not just going along for the ride; you actually need to learn how to get what you want from a man!
Let’s dive into the how-to!
Flip the Script from STOP to START
Let’s take your fantastic question as an example to work with. You say you want to keep his “bad living-together habits” at a minimum without having him be miserable with you.
The answer lies in flipping the script. What kind of opportunities, strategies, and options reveal themselves when we change the question from a negative to a positive?
For example, instead of “How do I keep his bad habits at a minimum without having HIM being miserable with ME?” how about “How do I nurture ‘good habits’ so that we both really enjoy living together? What can we START doing to make this relationship great?”
Try saying that question out loud and seeing how it feels. It’s a subtle but extremely powerful shift in the way you approach both your relationship and your problem-solving.
If it’s in the negative, how can I get him to STOP ____________, then the only options, strategies, and solutions that come up have to do with limiting his freedom in some way, controlling him, criticizing him, and making him wrong.
You’re not a taskmaster; you’re a creative and nurturing being. Go with your talents.
Go with Your Talents to Get What You Want from a Man
You know in your heart that the taskmaster approach will never be effective. It doesn’t feel loving — it feels icky — which is why you feel helpless in the face of his “bad habits.” Feeling helpless is the breeding ground for neediness and resentment. This is the dark side of the force and no one’s happy — not you, not him, nobody.
But when you flip the script from STOP to START, you’re tapping into your Venus magic: the part of you that is creative and nurturing.
Creative: You feel irritated/resentful/annoyed when he does X. What would the solution look like? What would make you feel happy/appreciative/loving? Imagine what that would look like.
That’s your creativity at work. It’s going beyond STOP and imagining what you’d like it to be instead.
This thing that would make you feel happy/appreciative/loving? That fetus idea grows up into a request.
Nurturing: Requests have the potential to sound harsh, demanding, and needy, so it’s time to engage your nurturing instincts. How can you form this request so that he feels nurtured, loved, and cared for?
There is a 200-page book inside me all about the art, science, and nuance of this, but for now, I’ll say: Follow your talents. You are a loving and nurturing being…do that.
Taskmaster Vs. Venus Magic in Action
I learn best with examples, so that’s what I’m going to give you today: some clear examples of how to get what you want from a man. Take these examples and apply the language and approach to the specific issues in your relationship.
Example 1: Issue: He leaves wet towels on the floor.
Taskmaster: I need you to STOP leaving your wet towel on the bathroom floor. I don’t want to live in a pigsty.
Venus Magic: When you leave a wet towel on the bathroom floor, it gives the bathroom a slightly moldy smell, and sometimes I trip on it. Would you hang up your towel when you’re done using it? I love how pretty and clean the bathroom looks when everything is in its place.
Example 2: Issue: He lets his dirty dishes pile up in the sink.
Taskmaster: Dude, this isn’t a frat house. STOP leaving your dirty dishes in the sink. I can’t even wash my teacup — there’s no room!
Venus Magic: I notice the dishes are piling up in the sink. Would you wash them for me today so that I can make dinner and really spread out? I love cooking in a clean kitchen. I feel like I’m on the food network!
Example 3: Issue: He puts empty cereal boxes back in the pantry.
Taskmaster: Why would you put back an empty cereal box? I went to eat cereal, and there’s nothing there. If you had put in on the list, I could’ve gotten some when I was at the store yesterday. Now I have to go back, and I’m hungry. What were you thinking?
Venus Magic: Honey, I’m craving cereal, but all I see in the pantry is an empty box. Would you run to the store and get me some? Thanks! And in the future, it’s really helpful for me if you leave the box out so I know it’s empty or put it on the grocery list so I can get some more. I’d really appreciate that.
Depending on how you’ve spoken to him in the past or his past experiences with his mother or ex-girlfriends, he may get a little defensive or look a little beaten up. In this case, you can lighten the mood by flashing him a smile, kissing him on the cheek, and/or saying:
“I know living with a woman is a little more effort, but I hear the perks are worth it. 😉 I love living with you.”
And leave it at that.
Living together is an adjustment. Relationships can be a real challenge. Without the right tools, trying to get what you want from a man can feel downright futile. Flip the script from Stop to Start, go with your talents, and if you’re still having trouble, join me in my 6-week online program: How to Get More Me-Time where you’ll learn even more empowering and advanced techniques to get the love you want and feel great doing it!