The scenario: What starts as a simple disagreement escalates into a huge fight. Doors are slammed, harsh words are spoken, and you think: What did I ever see in them?
Once the anger subsides, however, and you see it in the light of day, you can’t help but wonder how the “conversation” went from point A to point B so quickly.
It doesn’t have to be this way. Men and women both make mistakes during an argument that make the other want to get into fighting mode.
It’s time to stop a fight before it begins by understanding the 6 mistakes you make (they’re different for men and women!) during an argument. Watch the video below.
6 Mistakes Men Make in an Argument
1. Aggressive tone or loud voice
Men can care so much about being right that they don’t realize that they often sound threatening and overwhelming.
2. Condescending comments
Phrases like: “Don’t worry about it,” or “It’s not a big deal,” are big mistakes because they do not acknowledge her feelings.
3. Interrupting her with arguments that invalidate her feelings or correct her observations
A typical comment would be: “You shouldn’t feel that way,” instead of taking time to reflect and saying something like: “I understand you think that…”
4. Offering solutions rather than asking more questions
This goes back to everything I teach men. It is such a common pattern for men — rather than listening, they offer solutions. He might think he is being helpful, but to her, he is simply being dismissive.
5. Tit for tat
When she complains, you raise her complaint with more complaints of your own. Chalk it up to a man’s competitive nature, but in truth, it’s no way to make peace and move beyond your argument.
6. Having to get in the final word
Whatever she says, her man comes back with: “So, once again, everything has to be your way. Everything you want is such a big deal.” Statements like these often stem from a male’s sense of frustration that his partner has more accomplished verbal skills. Getting in the final word is simply taking a verbal swipe that says: “I refuse to let you think that you have won this argument.”
Women are just as guilty of escalating arguments as men are.
6 Mistakes Women Make in an Argument
1. Raising your voice with emotion
Try to resist the temptation of being accusing, mocking, or sarcastic.
2. Using rhetorical questions
Avoid asking questions like: “How could you say something like that?” Try to express what you do like and accept. For example: “I understand and agree with that, but…”
3. Making generalized complaints
Saying things like: “We never spend time together,” or “You’re not doing the things that you said you would do,” are not specific enough for men. In general, men do not respond to the abstract as well as the specific. Give examples of what he has done if you want to be heard. Give direction with comments such as: “Let’s plan a date to go out this week.”
4. Bringing up old issues
Don’t muddy the waters with past arguments and points of disagreement. Stay with the issue you are dealing with at the moment; otherwise, you run the risk of having your partner turning off his hearing altogether.
5. Comparing him to another man or how he acted in the past
Never compare him to another man unless you want the fight to escalate quickly. Even more, confusing for him are comments like: “You used to be so much more affectionate.” Instead, make a positive statement, and give him a model of behavior you want him to follow. For example: “I love it when you….”
6. Expecting him to make you feel good
Women need to take the responsibility to feel good on their own — especially after a fight or argument. Do not say things like: “Well, that doesn’t make me feel any better.” Try instead to say: “I think I’ll take some time for myself and go play some tennis or do some shopping or take a walk.”
Grow in love,