Why Men Never Help Out and What to Do About It

Why do men never help out?

It seems the easiest way to show someone you care, right? Jump in and offer help, support, an extra hand…

You would do it for him so why doesn’t he do it for you?

There’s actually a very simple answer to this and it has nothing to do with how much he cares about you!

In this post, I’ll reveal the gender difference behind this misunderstanding and how to effectively motivate a man to help out where he’s needed.

He can rise to the occasion but it starts with a new approach by you. Ready to learn? Let’s do it!

Dear Lauren,

My boyfriend used to live with me and pay rent by working on the house 4 days a month. He got behind by many months and this hurt me. He doesn’t live with me anymore but recently I helped him for 4 weeks to prepare for a craft festival. I got behind with my jobs in that time but he never offered to help. He only offered to catch up with the days of work he owes me. Why can't he just help me with intent from his heart regardless of what he owes me!? I told him I’m sad he's not offered and I got mad. He fled for the night and won't own it! What do I do?

– Lori

Why Men Never Help Out

A woman sees another woman struggling with three bags of groceries and she offers to take one off her hands.

She sees another woman overwhelmed and says, “Have a seat. Tell me about it. Is there anything I can do to help?”

When women see another person in need, we step in to help them. This is a wonderfully built-in, and intuitive system for a woman. Something to do with the fact that we’ve been raising children for thousands of years!

Men are different. This isn’t intuitive for a man.

On Mars, men don’t offer each other unsolicited support because it’s considered rude; it’s insulting. It implies he’s not capable enough to do it himself.

Unfortunately, this gender difference sets women up for disappointment.

When a woman holds the belief that if someone cares about her, then that someone would offer help when she needs it, she misunderstands a man’s lack of offering as a sign that he isn’t being very loving at all. And that’s a very disappointing thing to feel in a relationship.

However, it doesn’t have to be disappointing.

Men can be incredibly helpful and supportive if you know how to inspire that part of them and motivate them into action.

This is an art. I’m not going to be able to teach you everything in a blog post. I do, however, have a premium online training to help women, like you, do this more effectively. Men “never” help out until you unlock the secrets to motivating them.

For the purpose of this post, I’ll tell you this: If you want help from a man, you need to ask for it.

Let me explain:

Why He’s Mad at You Even Though He’s the One Who Dropped the Ball

He stormed away.

The nerve of this guy!

He’s the one who messes up, disappoints you, lets you down, and yet he has the nerve to storm away angry?

Yes. He has the nerve to “flee.” (Click here to learn why that’s actually a good thing for your relationship!)

He’s mad that he’s being blamed for not doing something that wasn't part of his job description and he didn't know you wanted him to do.

In his mind, it’s unjust and unfair.

How could he know you wanted help? You didn't even give him a chance to make you happy, you just got mad when he didn’t.

Men thrive off contributing to their partner’s happiness: the sun shines when she is happy and he can take credit for it.

But when she is unhappy and he interprets it as his fault, he feels like a complete failure and he retreats to the comfort of his cave.

How to Motivate a Man to Help Out More

If you want him to do more work than he is doing, then it’s your responsibility to ask him.

It’s a simple script (that is sometimes very hard for a woman to say):

"Hey, would you do me a favor and help me with this today? I'd really appreciate it. Thank you so much!" 

He would love to make you happy and grant you a favor.

He won’t love the feeling that he “owes” you…

But he will love the feeling that he’s going above and beyond for you.

This is an important distinction.

And when you show him appreciation too?! The big payoff for going above and beyond? That really motivates him to give even more!

Men love to feel your appreciation in any form: hugs, thank you’s, kisses, high fives, laughter, wonder, relief, smiles; this is the primary way they feel your love.

So your job is to connect with what you need, ask for what you need, and then acknowledge him for being there for you in whatever capacity he can.

What If He Says, “No…”

If he responds to your request with an attitude of: “Jeez, I can’t believe you’re asking me that!” or if he blows you off and says, “I’m busy...” 

Don’t. Give. Up.

When I play with my dog, Abbey, she never let’s go of the chew toy. She’s fiercely determined.

The problem with human women is that we give up too easily.

He grumbles, he pouts, he rolls his eyes and we let it go. 

We assume that means he won’t help.

But he will. 99% of the time, he will.

Here’s how to not let go of the chew toy:

Don’t get mad. Stay calm, sweet, and ignore any resistance that manifests (faces, grumbles, looks, being distracted, ignoring you, etc.) Be fiercely calmly determined.

Keep saying things like:

• “It would make me so happy if you’d do this for me.”
• “I know you have so much on your plate right now, would you help me anyway?”
• “I just feel so overwhelmed with all the things on my plate, I would so appreciate your help with this right now.”
• “I’m just so overwhelmed. It would make me feel so much better, and make such a difference if you’d help me with this.”

Keep a smile on your face and don’t give up.

The more you ask, the more he has a chance to succeed and the more he’ll get addicted to your appreciation.

It may take you asking five times at first but after a while, one time will do the trick. He’ll just know any effort he puts towards doing things for you is worth it to his “Martian Efficiency Gene” because of the love and happiness he’ll feel in return.

The more love he feels from you, the more love he’ll have to give.

However, counter to most women’s instincts, “love” doesn’t come in the form of freshly baked cookies or buying him a new shirt you think he’d like. Sure, those are “nice.” But... 

The main way a man feels love is through a woman’s appreciation for what HE can do for HER.

Heal the Tension and Make Things Better Again

We’ve got to wipe the slate clean after this last interaction. I know this is the last thing you want to do right now but my advice is to apologize to him.

Say, "I'm sorry I got mad about you not helping when I didn't even ask you for help in the first place. That wasn't fair of me. I didn't give you a chance to succeed. In the future, I promise to ask you for help when I need it. Thank you so much for understanding. I love you."

These words are GOLD. They will melt the resistance in any man. That’s how good they are if you’re authentic about the delivery.

If you still need time to be angry, then spend time with your friends and vent. Your feelings are valid and important and they need to be expressed.

Write in your journal and explore your hurt, anger, sadness, and disappointment. Then take a moment and write about what you hope for and what you want. This will move you into a place where you can open your heart, apologize to him, and make things better again.

What If He Still Doesn’t Meet My Needs?

Here’s the deal, what I’ve shared with you today, when implemented, will keep a relationship thriving if the love is there and it’s reciprocal.

But it always comes down to this, if you’ve used all your tools and you have realistic expectations around what a man is capable of and he’s still not giving you what you need, then it’s time to rethink whether this is the relationship for you.

Just because he’s “Mr. Right” doesn’t mean he’s right for you.

Ultimately, your needs deserve to be met and you deserve to be happy and that’s the relationship you should be in.

With love,