How a Woman Can Make the First Move with Confidence

"Great relationships are founded in friendship.” Yup. We’ve heard that before.

But what they fail to explain is how you’re supposed to elegantly cross over from one to the other!

It can be especially stressful for women because we’ve been told that making the first move is:

• “too aggressive”
• “not attractive”
• “chasing him [away]”
• ...and generally frowned upon

But sometimes he takes too long to “man up” and you’ve got to take the reins.

So, I’m going to show you how you can make the first move with confidence that you’re building a connection — not sabotaging it! And we do it elegantly in 4 simple steps.

If I can do it (and I have!) then you can too. Ready?

Dear Lauren,

I’ve been developing a friendship with this cute guy for a month, whom I’m totally crushing on. At this point, we are stuck in friend mode. How do I cross over? How do I get this guy to kiss me?

– Angela

Make the First Move Without Sabotaging Your Relationship

Here’s the thing:

Chasing a guy isn’t effective for building lasting connection and attraction because:

• It puts the woman on her masculine side (goal-oriented, achieving, overcoming challenges) and the man on his feminine side (receptive, passive). He may appreciate her gestures but he doesn’t bond that way.
• It makes a woman seek reassurance at the exact time a man pulls away in order to rebuild his attraction hormones so he stays interested in her! Talk about bad timing.

This is why chasing a man can be counter-productive.

So how are you supposed to make the first move AND somehow stay in this feminine receptive mode, inspiring him to step into his masculinity to nurture a strong attraction and sticky bond?

Easy. Men respond to women. Change your approach and you’ll get a different result.

Get HIM to kiss YOU.

Getting him to kiss you isn’t chasing. It’s femininity at its best!

You’re inviting him to come into your world and take a risk. When a man makes an effort, and the woman receives it, that’s what creates the bond.

Before I show you how to cross the bridge from friends to more-than-friends, I want to say: Don’t be nervous. Odds are he totally digs you. Guys usually don’t spend much time with women they’re not attracted to. If you’ve been “developing a friendship,” there’s an excellent chance he’s interested in more.

Here are 4 steps to get him to man up and kiss you.

Step #1: Get Your Flirt On

I like to think we all have individual approaches to flirting; our own sense of humor, wit, and charm that doesn’t necessarily look like anyone else’s version. The main thing is to rock your style of flirting because he already likes you enough to hang out with you.

But in general, here are some suggestions to keep in mind:

When it comes to verbal flirting you want to playfully walk the line between wholesome and sexual.

You don’t want him to look at you like a little sister; you want to position yourself as desirable and attainable. If you’re too wholesome, you might come across as untouchable. So it’s good to drop a few sexual innuendos or puns here and there to put a man at ease.

On the other hand, if you’re too forward or crass…

• He might be too intimidated to make a move or
• He might think you’re just interested in sex and have sex with you and never call you again.

As you can see, the goal is to position yourself as a potential girlfriend so it’s important to flirt somewhere in between. Safe, sultry, effective flirts can be:

• Complimenting him on his physique
• Telling him how he’s different from anyone else you’ve ever met (men like feeling special too!)
• Teasing him
• And of course, throwing in a few sexual innuendos/puns.

Keep it fun, playful and friendly and you’ll do fine.

Step #2: Bring Out His Masculine Side

Here's the truth:

If a man feels manly and confident he will more likely be brave enough to make a move on you.

This isn’t dependent on what “type” of guy he is. Schwarzenegger or Cera, it doesn’t matter. Women are capable of inspiring any man to feel more masculine and confident.

A long time ago women depended on men to hunt for food, to protect the home, and to populate the planet. This made a man feel needed, confident, like he mattered and made a difference.

Now, however, we don’t need men as much for food or protection, and many of us use birth control methods to prevent populating the planet.

So, to support a man in feeling masculine and confident, we need to find new ways to make him feel needed.

As my dad, John Gray, says, “Not to feel needed is a slow death for a man.” 

On the flip side, when a man does feel needed it’s like a shot of brave-heart vitality!

Most of the time, we really don’t need the guy to carry our bag or open a jar; that’s what life hacks are for. But if we ask him anyway, he feels needed. The key is to create opportunities for him to step up and fulfill your needs.

• Ask him for stuff.

• Ask him to help you with something. 

• Ask for his advice.

You may find that practicing this skill actually moves you more to your feminine side where your stress levels go down and your heart opens to receive even more love.

That’s the fun part about MarsVenus: Every relationship skill we teach benefits BOTH partners.

And when he offers unsolicited help, like giving you his jacket when it’s cold, always say, “Yes!” This establishes crucial trust that what he has to contribute to your life is enough; he is enough. 

This is what gives him the courage to make efforts in a relationship, including kiss you!

Step #3: Let’s Get Physical

Even if you’ve been dropping innuendos like it’s hot, if you’re also 3 feet away from him at all times, it makes it really challenging to cross that physical space and kiss you.

This might sound obvious but this is the number one underutilized strategy for getting a guy to kiss you.

Close the physical gap.

Make touching something familiar.

You need to get physical.

• Touch his arm when you laugh.
• Take his arm when you walk.
• Run your fingers through his hair…”um…you had some fuzz in it.”

Once you’ve bravely crossed the physical boundary and you’re all up in his bubble of personal space, it’s easier for him to just lean over and kiss you.

No. Big. Deal.

You want to make it easy for him. This is not the time or the place to play “hard to get.”

Step #4: Be Clear with Your Intentions

Don’t be discouraged if, even after all your flirting, he still doesn’t kiss you.

Some men really need to be hit over the head with the whole thing.

At this point, you’ve got one super-move left: ask for what you want.

This is pee-in-your-pants scary. I’m not going to sugarcoat it.

Because as direct as you are, your rejection could be just as slap-in-the-face direct.

The key is to acknowledge the fear and prepare yourself by realizing that the worst that could happen isn’t all that bad.

The worst that could happen is that he’s flattered but you don’t get your kiss. The friendship will not be destroyed. However, you will have an answer so you can finally move on to someone who does want to kiss you.

If you want to put an end to this coy little dance, be clear with your intentions.

Kiss Me Script #1:

“I’ve really enjoyed spending time with you. I’m having so much fun. I also think you’re attractive. There’s no pressure from me to reciprocate but I’m game to explore something more with you, if you are.”

Smile, hold eye contact, and get ready to be kissed.

If option #1 is too big of a mouthful, you could always try my personal favorite (tried and true in a hot tub years ago... He totally made out with me and it was great!)

Kiss Me Script #2

“If you want to kiss me, go ahead. In fact, I’d like it.”

I know these are direct and therefore daunting. However, either one of these scripts will be a breath of fresh air for him, no matter what his response is. You are literally handing him a gift-wrapped present by being this direct.

If you drag it out and use phrases like, “” and “I guess it’d be cool if” and of course the popular “Um…uh…umm…like…” that turns us all into hopeless teenagers, all that will do is confuse him and prolong the moment.

Worst worst case scenario: He doesn’t get what you’re saying and you have to explain yourself.

Oh no…not again!

Too Stressful?

If your heart is pounding so hard you can barely breathe let alone say anything, feel free to write one of these scripts in a note and leave it somewhere obvious for him to find.

Don’t stress too hard. This is a fun problem to have!

Best case scenario he’s so happy and relieved that you feel that way too that he grabs you in his arms and he kisses you thoroughly there and then.

So have fun flirting and keep some mints in your purse just in case he preempts your “talk.”

With love,