It’s natural to have insecurities be triggered when you’re in a relationship.
The problem is when you go to express those insecurities to your man in order to get reassurance and boost your confidence, it goes sideways.
Rather than give you what you want, he often pulls away even more, making you doubt even more.
In this post, I’ll reveal the most common mistake women make when feeling insecure and show you how to share doubts, fears, and insecurities with your partner so that you don’t push him away (or unknowingly hurt his feelings!).
Let’s take Nicki as a perfect example…
I asked my boyfriend (of two months) if his ex ever calls and asks him to reconcile. I admitted that it may have been somewhat dumb. He got upset. He said I asked him that already and it seems like I don’t trust him. He also said that if she does he will tell me. Since then, he’s been quite distant. I am trying to be patient but if he wants this relationship, he should just accept my apology, forgive me, and move on. It’s been two days now and it hurts to be this strained. What do I do?
I know it seems to you like this is a drastic overreaction on his part and that he should just get over it and “move on.” I mean, jeeez, it was just a question. But for a man, the question you asked (more than once) is like a knife to the heart.
The Real Test for a Relationship
I get why you asked it. A lot of women have the urge to question the strength of a new relationship.
There are a lot of songs about how wonderful and carefree falling in love with someone is, but hardly anyone talks about the sheer terror it can cause a person to open their heart to someone new.
It tests every ounce of self-esteem you have:
- Am I really worthy of all this love and attention?
- Do they really love me for me?
- It’s easy to project past hurts and doubts on the other person.
- It’s hard to stifle all of this insecurity and charge ahead with full confidence and truly believe, “Yes! I am worthy of this love! Yes! I can trust in this love.”
So you let a little itty tiny bit of your insecurity (that really has nothing to do with him) leak out into a “dumb” question that doubts his affection and his loyalty to you.
What’s the big deal?
The Big Mistake (We’ve All Made!)
You showed doubt. You showed that you didn’t trust him.
Trust is one of the main ways a man feels love. Take that away and it hurts.
He is frustrated because he didn’t do anything wrong to deserve you taking that trust away. By doubting him, you’ve made him feel unjustly persecuted and unloved.
Think about your own insecurities…
Do you honestly think he is so strong that he doesn’t feel them too?
He has every right to his experience; he has every right to react. His heart has been bruised and it will take some time for things to come back to normal.
The 3 Part Formula That Will Make Things Better
You can help smooth things over faster by initiating a simple 3-part formula that will build trust again and make him feel successful.
- Ignore. Ignore the pissy part of him and the cold shoulder. The longer you give it attention, the longer it will be around.
- Ask. Ask him for small things like carrying a heavy bag, reaching something that is too high for you, opening a jar, etc. Show him you need him and give him low-hanging-fruit, easy opportunities to succeed.
- Appreciate. Consciously appreciate everything he does for you. Say, “Thank you! That was such a big help,” and give lots of grateful smiles. When you turn to him for help, when you show him you need him and when you acknowledge him for being there for you, he feels trusted and loved.
These 3 steps together will heal his hurt and he’ll come around faster.
How to Share Insecurities with Your Partner
You know it was a dumb question. You know it was a mistake.
Don’t dwell on it or beat yourself up, okay?
We’ve all in some way made the mistake of doubting our partner and/or not trusting them. You’re in good company.
Celebrate! Because now you can learn a new more effective way to handle insecurities!
I don’t want you to feel trapped like you don’t have an outlet for this very natural expression of insecurity.
Once you acknowledge and honor the part of yourself that is afraid of falling in love and getting hurt, you can be more conscious of it and more caring with it.
When you are conscious of it, you can include your partner in a way that supports both of you individually and the relationship itself.
You can say something like:
“I care about you. The more time we spend together, the closer we get. This brings up a lot of insecurities for me. They have nothing to do with you. They’re based on my own stuff, my own body image issues, my own past experiences with men, and my own experience watching my parents. They have nothing to do with you.
“Would it be alright if I share some of my fears with you? You don’t have to say anything. Just hold me and listen. That would comfort me a lot. I just want that part of me that’s scared to be in a relationship to be heard for a while and then we can put her away. Would you be available for that?”
Now you’re turning to him for help.
Now you’re showing him you need him.
Now you’re putting your vulnerable self into his caring hands and trusting him to be gentle.
Key word: TRUST.
And you are also free to share your doubts, your fears, and your insecurities without him having a defensive reaction!
Sharing these feelings with him bonds you closer to him. Listening to you and supporting you bonds him to you.
Now we’ve got a system that works.
Want to Apply This to Your Relationship? Here’s How:
- Name one insecurity, doubt, or fear that you have about your relationship.
- Now investigate it. Is it actually about your current partner or are you projecting a fear onto them? Is it really about an ex-boyfriend? Or maybe your dad? Get curious and reflect.
- Use the script above to introduce the conversation with your partner and share.
Did you learn anything about yourself? Did it add intimacy? Did you feel a more honest connection?
The insecurities that inevitably arise in a relationship don’t need to be stressful or cause stress in your relationship.
By understanding ourselves and our partner’s better, we can transform many of the challenges in relationships into opportunities to bring you closer together.