You see it coming. He starts getting angry. You want to engage. You want to ask what’s going on. You want to make it right.
So how do you diffuse a man’s anger — whether it’s directed at you or not?
The answer to that question has changed over the years, so it’s important that you know how to help a man calm down without sacrificing your happiness and the health of your relationship.
In this blog, I explain why a man gets angry and why it’s what you don’t do that is the key to diffusing it.
Diffusing a man’s anger is one of the most important skills for a woman to learn. To do so successfully requires understanding men.
As a man becomes more emotional and in touch with his feelings, he’s like a diamond in the rough. He has the potential to be the greatest partner in the world — but he has new challenges.
As his partner, you can help him deal with his challenges in a way that is less demanding for him.
The Relationship Between Anger and Pain in Men
Many more women than men go to my seminars and read my books because women are more relationship-oriented. That doesn’t mean that your partner can’t benefit from what you learn about relationships — and even themselves.
If I had a choice between a man or woman taking my seminar, every time, I would choose the woman. Why? Because…
A woman has the power to transform a man, but a man does not have the power to transform a woman.
Men today and men from generations ago deal with their anger very differently. Historically, a man was taught to never get angry at a woman. He was considered a wimp, unmanly, and weak if he got angry at a woman.
Yet, today, men are getting angry at women all the time.
What’s that about?
It’s about the pain a man feels when:
- He can’t make a woman happy
- He feels rejected
- He feels like he’s failed at what he’s here to do
- He can’t please a woman he loves
His body views this as stress. That stress converts and makes an enzyme called aromatase, which converts his testosterone (male hormone) into estrogen (female hormone), which makes him angry.
Let me explain.
Talking Does NOT Make a Man Feel Good
When a woman is angry, if she can express her anger and talk about her feelings, it increases her estrogen and oxytocin (the pleasure and bonding hormone in women) which, in turn, lowers her stress.
Expressing how he feels does NOT lower a man’s stress.
Expressing emotion creates more stress for a man because he loses control.
With today’s man, we’re encouraging men to get in touch with their feelings — which is fine in the right setting — but not when they’re upset with their wife or partner.
The weakest — and worst — thing a man can ever do in a marriage or relationship is to express anger at his partner.
When a woman witnesses a man’s anger, aggression, or violence (like putting his hand through a wall), she thinks it’s scary, and she’ll put up a big wall of fear and vigilance to help keep herself protected. That wall shuts her down and keeps her from really opening herself up. That’ll keep her from needing, depending on and appreciating him.
In games, such as football or boxing matches, the aggression and violence are controlled. Because it’s within the confines of the “rules,” a woman feels safe around this aggression and masculine energy.
But if it’s not in a safe setting, it’s scary.
If he gets angry directly at her, it shuts her down.
When a man isn’t getting what he needs, he’s going to feel anger. When he feels anger, he needs to talk less, not more. And he certainly doesn’t need to talk to you about it.
What a woman tends to do is increase his anger by getting him to talk. She asks him questions and engages in this argumentative conversation with him. A woman thinks that if she can get him to talk more about his feelings, he’s going to cool off.
NO — men just get more and more heated. He loses his rational thoughts, stress levels increase, and his blood flow starts to go to the part of the brain that controls conditioned responses: You hurt me, I’ll hurt you.
This is a man out of control, and it’s happening today because women are trying to make men talk more when they’re angry.
How to Diffuse a Man’s Anger in the 21st Century
A long time ago, if a man got mad at a woman, a woman would diffuse his anger by agreeing, submitting, and yielding. You’re right. Let me find out what I did wrong. I’ll change. I’ll look within myself to see how I can be a better wife.
The foundation of these relationships had no passion. How could they when women were told not to ask for more, not be unhappy, and always agree with their husbands?
Now, let’s get up to speed on what to do with today’s man and his anger.
When he’s angry, you:
- Don’t engage him in conversation (don’t let him keep talking or ask him questions)
- Detach and let go
- Don’t listen to him
- Do something that supports your female hormones.
- Say: It’s really hard for me to hear you when you’re angry, so I’m just going to take a timeout. Whatever I say will be the wrong thing, so I don’t want to say anything right now.
When he’s angry, he needs to:
- Hang out with his guy friends
- Do something on his own
- Participate in a hobby
- Play a game
- Do something that makes him feel good without you
When he spends time alone, he’s forced to find his own source of happiness within. He calms down and cools off.
While he’s coming back to his center, go do something nice to make yourself feel good and balanced as well.
Then do something extra special for him. It can be as small as a smile, a hug, or an acknowledgment of something he’s done around the house. Show him that even though he got angry, you still love him.
When he comes back from his time without you, don’t punish him. Just act like it didn’t happen. Then start giving some love. He will feel so grateful to you, and over time, he’ll learn not to get angry with you because all you’ll do is walk out of the room!
Don’t reward misbehavior with your love; in the face of a man’s anger, have a neutral attitude, leave the room, and come back later with some reassuring love.
Grow in love,