When it comes to “communication,” I’m sure you’ve heard you can’t have a healthy relationship without it.
But what if the communication in your relationship isn’t all that great? What if:
- He gives you one-word answers?
- You don’t share stuff with each other anymore?
- You feel like strangers?
- He’s the frustrating “silent type” and you can’t figure out how to connect?
In this video and post, I’m going to show you how you can immediately improve communication by changing a Venus phrase into a Mars phrase that will draw him out and have him gushing! (And that’s just Tip #1!)
I’m also going to show you how you can start using communication to increase mutual feelings of intimacy and fulfillment.
Me and my boyfriend have been together for two years. The first year was bliss, the second year was also bliss but with some insecurities thrown in. The one thing I have been insecure about recently is that I feel that my boyfriend and I don’t talk enough. Does this mean he isn’t right for me? Can we improve our communication? Is he getting bored with me? PLEASE HELP.
Is It the END?
Right now, you are taking this silent treatment as a sign for “the end of days,” and it’s freaking you out. Is a lack of fluid and lively conversation a sign that it’s over between you? Maybe. But probably not!
Men and women view communication differently. For women, talking and sharing is a form of intimacy. For men, talking is the tool they use to get a point across in order to achieve a goal or solve a problem. Men mainly get their dose of intimacy through touching, sex, and physically doing things for their woman.
The Communication Evolution
At the beginning of your relationship, conversation was easy because his goal was to woo you so that you would choose him to be your monogamous partner. That took some serious sweet talkin’ and some gettin’ to know ya time.
Now that he’s confident in his role, he can throw on some sweats, get comfy on the couch, and relax. He no longer sees the need to talk because his goal is accomplished.
Three Key Game-Changing Points of View
When you realize that men and women view and experience communication differently, it’s easy to wrap your head around these three key game-changing points of view.
- His silent treatment is not a sign that he doesn’t want to be intimate with you. It’s not a rejection. It just means he’s comfortable and confident in your relationship.
- Talking is not a priority for him like it is for you. He’s not going to get bored with you because you don’t talk “enough.” “Enough” to him are the words he needs in order to get a job done. Everything else is fluff. As long as he’s doing things for you physically, he’s taking care of his need for intimacy.
- It’s up to you to take responsibility for the need to communicate in your relationship. It’s not his need, so he’s not going to initiate action. It’s your need, so it’s your job to initiate a change.
Three Ways to Immediately Improve Communication with Your Partner
Now that you know these three critical points of view, I can show you three ways to immediately improve communication with your partner.
1. The simplest way to elicit more conversation from your man is to change your question from the Venus phrase: “How was your day?” to the Mars phrase: “What did you do today?”
The first question is asking him about his feelings and experience of the day. Women can talk for hours on this subject, but a man usually limits his answer to one word, “good,” “fine,” or “okay.”
He’s not purposely being difficult. This question just doesn’t trigger a response in him.
You’ll notice a man rarely says, “bad.” This is because if a man’s day was bad, he’s not going to want to talk about it. Men have this amazing thing called an “off switch” where they’re actually capable of putting their unsolvable problems out of sight and out of mind. (I’m so jealous! I want one!)
If it’s a bad day and you interview him about the details, he’s going to resent you for bringing up an issue he had safely put away so that he could enjoy his time with you.
So, instead of asking, “How was your day” and getting that obnoxious one-word answer or trying to interview him fishing for drama, ask him: “What did you do today?”
This opens him up to all kinds of comfort zones. He knows the answer to this question. He knows what he did, where he went, what impossible problems he solved, what amazing feats of strength and honor he acted out. He likes showing his woman how smart, clever, strong, and capable he is. He likes to answer this question.
Another simple word exchange is to change your question from, “How do you feel?” to “What do you think?”
2. Stimulate more communication by participating in projects and activities that you have in common.
This way you can inspire both of your intuitive communication styles. You can talk about your feelings, reactions, and experiences of the activity. He can talk about the problem-solving aspects and the steps of action necessary to achieve the goal.
If he’s a little gun-shy, feel free to prompt him with questions, and ask him for his advice.
Here are five fun ideas for activities and projects you can share together:
- Take a class together: yoga, art, improvisation, dance, cooking.
- Learn a new skill together: photography, wine pairing, roasting your own coffee, playing guitar.
- Make a new challenging recipe once a week together.
- Plan a vacation together.
- Carry out a DIY project in your house: painting, refinishing, tiling, decorating, landscaping.
Tailor it to you and your sweetie’s likes and passions. You’ll find that these can inspire both of you to talk in a natural and intuitive way. No one has to force anything.
3. The most impactful thing you can do to improve communication is to realize that the one who should be doing most of the talking is YOU.
Don’t feel bad or self-centered for it. Communication in a relationship is not meant to be tit for tat. In fact, I always warn talkative men to ensure that they never talk more than their woman.
A woman experiences intimacy through sharing her feelings, stories, and experiences but only when a man sits in front of her, looks her in the eyes, and really listens. She needs to feel heard.
If your dinner conversations are light, know that you are the one who should be doing the talking. That way you can give him the opportunity to listen, and you can give your relationship a chance to strengthen and deepen its bond.
Yesterday, I spent almost the whole day in front of the computer, and I needed a break. I caught my sweetie right as he was about to lie down for a nap. Ugh, bad timing, right?
But instead of leaving him alone, I said, “Love, would you go for a walk with me? I need to clear my mind and get away from the computer.”
He said, “But I was just about to lie down.”
I smiled real big, batted my eyelashes and said, “Please!”
He laughed, dutifully got up and said, “Sure.”
I observed our dynamic on the walk. We held hands. I asked, “How was your day?” He said, “Fine.” And for the next block, we walked in silence.
Then I asked, “What did you do today?”
He launched into a play-by-play of his day that maybe took three minutes. Then, for the rest of the walk, I talked. I talked and talked and then, sometimes, we were silent. I tried running him into things, he tried putting flowers and leaves in my hair. We played.
At the end of the walk, I said, “Thank you so much! I feel so much better.”
He said, “Me too. I’m glad you made me go on this walk. I had a wonderful time.”
This wasn’t an accident. By me talking and him listening, we had connected and were both rejuvenated by the mutual intimacy we felt. When a woman talks and expresses herself and, in turn, feels heard, not only is the relationship bond strengthened but a hormonal miracle occurs. It actually measurably lowers her stress levels. On the flip side, it measurably lowers stress levels in a man when he can be there for his woman and have her appreciate it.
So do what’s natural to you and talk your sweet little heart out. You’re both going to love it!