Stumped at Being Dumped? The Real Reason You’re Single

Suddenly, they’re not interested anymore, and they want to break up.

What?!

One minute, hot and heavy, sunshine and rainbows, and the next minute — you’re dumped. Hello confusion, broken heart, and take out “for one”...again.

In this blog, I’m going to show you the real reason you’re single, the real reason you got dumped, and the real way to find your Mr. or Ms. Right.

The good news is: You didn’t do anything wrong; you were just missing some crucial insight into the “type” of person you were dating. Once you recognize the signs, you’ll be on the fast track to lasting love.

Dear Lauren,

My ex-girlfriend said that she did not love me nor was she attracted to me — but we were together for six months! She made the first move on our first date, she would always initiate PDA's: kissing, touching, even arousing me in cabs, restaurants, the park... She expressed interest in sex but we never went through with it. But tell me, how is it that you can get so close to someone physically and claim to have neither attraction nor feelings? I am still nursing my broken heart after she dumped me on Christmas morning last year. I am at a loss to understand this whole thing.

– Derek

The Two Most Common Things That Get in the Way of True Love

Falling in love is not a perfect system. Many times people approach love and relationships from a place of insecurity and eagerness; insecurity that they are not worthy of love and eagerness to find that perfect someone. There are two glaring problems with this.

#1.  If you do not feel worthy of love then you behave in a way to earn the other person’s love rather than asking yourself, “Do I love this person?” (A super important question!!!)

#2.  If you are so eager to find Mr. (Ms.) Perfect then you plaster his (her) face onto whoever you are dating, and it can take months for the real person to shine through your fantasy delusion.

Not only is this a less than efficient way to find your soul mate, but it also breaks quite a few hearts in the process, leaving many men and women feeling exactly like you feel right now: confused, and frankly, a little whip-lashed.

Never Fall for the Razzle-Dazzle

So now that we have some perspective on what often happens, let’s back up and talk about what exactly happened with your girl.

When you met, she saw you as a potential person to love her, so she did whatever it took to earn your love.

It was her own insecurities that motivated all that lavish PDA. It didn’t come from a genuine expression of her love but rather from a desperate need to impress, seduce, and dazzle you. She needed you to love her SO THAT she could ask herself, “Do I love him?”

At that point, she realized that the answer was, “No.” She didn’t love you. You’re not the right man for her. This shut down her feelings of attraction toward you along with any romantic feelings that might have existed. She then dumped you and left you with a broken heart.

Fast Food vs. Gourmet (The Danger of Instant Gratification)

I understand the allure of these women who come on strong. We live in a fast-food culture that indoctrinates us with an impatience that permeates everything — including our love lives! We are seeking instant gratification. If a woman doesn’t really like you right off the bat, you walk away.

Which leaves you with the women who come on fast and strong.

And there’s nothing wrong with that as long as you come in with the same expectation you walk into McDonald's with: it’s going to be fast, hot, and it always ends with a little chest pain.

If you want gourmet love, soul mate love, you have to be patient. You have to put in the hours pursuing that slow-cooked meal.

Alka-Seltzer for the Heart: Fast-Acting Relief

I know you’re still reeling from this breakup. I know you’re carrying the hurt around with you. But most of that hurt just comes from being confused. How can you get closure when you don’t even know what the heck happened?

Here’s the deal: She never knew you to love you. She knew her fantasy version of you, which had nothing to do with you. YOU are not being rejected here. You weren’t even on the table to begin with.  

Next time a woman comes on really strong, know that she is probably turned on to the fantasy of who you might be rather than the real you. Don’t get sucked in. Don’t fall for a quick seduction. Take it slow. Ensure that she is getting to know the real you.

This is how you fall in love with someone who sees and loves you for you. This is how you find your soul mate. This is gourmet love.

With love,