Is He Into Me or Not? I’m Getting Whiplash Here!

Mr. Cool. He “says” he’s not ready for a relationship, but he’s all over you! Flirty, sweet, kind, attentive, thoughtful, boyfriendy, charming…

And then, silent, cold, indifferent.

What is up with this guy? And why do men do this?

In this episode and blog, I’m going to reveal the exact reasons why he does everything he’s doing. Not only that, I’ll show you how to approach him so that your connection grows warm and STAYS WARM.

No more hot and cold. Ready to finally get clear and take charge of this relationship?

Dear Lauren,

I’ve sort of been seeing this guy for 3 months. Right at the beginning, we felt a connection but he told me he was not ready for a relationship. Then he added me on Facebook, invited me to a party and on a ski vacation. We had a great time, but sometimes, he’d become distant with me. When we came back, he stayed over, and we cuddled watching a movie. We’ve been texting since, but when I invited him to my birthday party, he suddenly went silent, and I haven’t heard from him in 3 days. What do I do? Is he into me or not?

– Nadine

Talk about hot and cold! Men think women are the complicated ones who are mysterious and give mixed confusing signals. What they don’t realize is that they can come across just as confusing and misleading!

However, you, my dear, have come to the right place because I happen to be an expert in interpreting confusing men. I know a few things about this guy, and I promise I’ll fill you in. ;-)

The Answer

He doesn’t want a relationship with you.

No, it’s not my psychic abilities that give me this knowledge.

He actually TOLD you!

He said that he’s not ready for a relationship. So many women hear these words and don’t give them the respect they deserve. Instead, they file them away under, “That’s how he’ll feel until he gets to know me and I change his mind!!!” (#masterplan).

But if that’s the last you heard on the subject, THAT’s what you need to assume until he says otherwise.

Please don’t feel bad. He enjoys your company, he likes you, and he’s attracted to you. I’m sure of all these things. BUT that doesn’t mean he’s changed his mind.

A man can be attracted to you, enjoy spending time with you, have a crush on you, and still not want to commit to you.

The Play-by-Play

At this moment, his behavior seems totally random and sporadic. His mood swings are well on their way to giving you whiplash. I get it. But there was actually a very thoughtful method to his confusing hot and cold madness. Let me take it play-by-play:

In the beginning, he felt safe being friends with you after setting his boundary so he befriended you on Facebook. After all, he knew YOU knew he was off-limits.

As you picked up the friendship, he enjoyed hanging out with you, and he felt the intimacy and connection between you grow. You were moving closer to him, but more specifically, closer to his boundary.

Right now, he is in a pickle. He likes and respects you too much to “hit it and quit it.” I know this because most guys who admire, enjoy, and are sexually attracted to a woman who not only likes them back but cuddles with them during a movie, well, most guys would tap that. Unless…

He wants to continue to spend time with you!

Right now, he’s pulling away and acting cold because he’s trying to navigate this relationship without feeling like he has to defend himself against you and your expectations of him and the evolving relationship.

He’s not ready for a committed relationship — but that doesn’t mean he’s not ready for a connection.

The Solution

If you are okay having this friendship with him (albeit an intimate, touchy-feely one), without any expectation of a relationship, then you need to let him know.

It will put his mind at ease, and he will know that he can play, cuddle, laugh, and hang out with you casually — without fearing that he is leading you on or that he will have to hurt and reject you.

Despite the reputation some men get, NO man wants to hurt a woman’s feelings.

Here’s a script YOU can use to assure him of your intentions:

“I have so much fun with you. And I know we haven’t talked about it in a while, but I want you to know that I totally respect that you aren’t looking for a relationship right now. I am. But please don’t feel any pressure like I’m looking for a relationship with you. I enjoy my time with you. That’s it. I have no expectations of you or this friendship beyond good times and laughter. I hope you can make it to my birthday party. You’re a friend I look forward to getting to know better, and it would make me really happy if you could swing by.”

See? Super casual. Super easy. There’s no heavy or “serious” talk there. You have let him know your honest intentions: You ARE looking for a relationship. That’s nothing to hide or be ashamed of.

This message, however, lets him know that should he change his mind, you are available.

More importantly, it also lets him off the hook. He won’t have to keep you at arm's length to keep the boundary clear. He can feel free to come to your birthday party, cuddle, and hang with you without feeling pressured for some sort of commitment to you.

The big fear he has is that he’s going to lead you on and let you down. He really likes you, and he really doesn’t want to do this. That’s why he’s acting so sporadic.

Now, if you are NOT okay having just a friendship with him, then let him go. He’s not ready to be who you need him to be right now. Date other men. Many men are looking to be in a relationship RIGHT NOW. Look for them. They’re looking for you too.

With love,