All kinds of people come to my seminars and talks around the world, motivated by one simple thing:
They all want more in relationships, but “more” typically means different things to a woman than a man.
When I ask a woman if she wants more in her relationship, she will usually light up and say “YES! How can I get more from my partner?”
On the other hand, men wonder why the relationship can’t stay the same. The “more” they want is completely different.
This difference in how men and women respond to wanting “more” in relationships is also the key to both partners experiencing lasting passion and love.
In this post, I’m going to share what both partners need to know so they can experience the “more” they’re looking for!
Is It Okay to Want More?
In the workplace, we typically don’t ask if it’s okay to want more.
Whether you want a promotion, a bigger salary, or simply more vacation time, working towards achieving more is often applauded.
And, when we don’t get more, we naturally shift back to 100% accountability. In other words, we ask ourselves what we can do (or do differently) in order to achieve the success we want.
That’s why you see very successful people who are always 100% accountable.
But while this type of drive and permission to want more is very acceptable in the workplace, it is often not there in a relationship.
In order to understand why this is, we must look at the male versus female side.
We all have male and female sides; they are simply different energies and qualities.
- Our male side is more about thinking, analysis, and independence
- Our female side is more about feeling, connection, and relationship
As we open both sides, it’s important to realize that just as our male side wants more, like at work, our female side wants more too — inside our relationships.
Even more important to note is that when you express your male or female qualities, hormones get produced accordingly.
Testosterone is the main male hormone, and when anyone is expressing the male side of themselves, they will produce more testosterone.
Estrogen is the main female hormone, and when anyone is expressing the female side of themselves, they will produce more estrogen.
The challenge here is that there is a biological difference between men and women and the hormones we need to be happy and fulfilled in relationships.
Every man, if he’s going to be healthy and happy, needs 10 times more testosterone than your average woman.
Women, on the other hand, need at least 10 times more estrogen than your average man in order to feel fulfilled and loving in a relationship.
This is why women typically want more than men in relationships. And when it comes to how our biology impacts our fulfillment in love, that’s only the tip of the iceberg!
The Chemistry of Chemistry
Imagine what your work life would be like if you started as a billionaire and then slowly declined in success. With work, it’s not like that. You typically start your career with very little and work towards achieving more over time.
But in relationships, it’s the opposite — chemically speaking.
In the beginning, the new relationship stimulates two major brain chemicals:
- Dopamine, which generates pleasure and passion and focus.
- Serotonin, which provides optimism.
Think about it: If somebody arrives late to meet you one time, you’d think “Oh, they’ll be on time next time.” But, once they’re late 50 times, that optimism goes away, and that serotonin starts to drop!
In relationships over time, as you start to face each other’s imperfections, those feelings of excitement and passion can decline along with those brain chemicals.
So what can we do to actually get more from our relationships and grow in love?
What we want is to give permission for both people to not be perfect and to learn new skills that will allow everyone to enjoy more from the relationship.
The Key to Getting More Love in Your Relationship
Imagine coming home and feeling that you can be your true imperfect self and still be loved.
That’s what we’re looking for!
That unconditional love is what supports us, as people, in coming forth as our most authentic selves.
The thing is, that also requires a whole new set of skills that we have to learn.
Men have to take on the mindset that it’s okay for women to want more in relationships just as it’s okay for men to want more success in the work world.
We just can’t expect relationships to always be easy and effortless and happen all by themselves. It takes accountability and awareness — and especially today — it takes new skills.
Many men see the “traditional” role of a woman as one who is supposed to always be happy with her husband.
But the modern woman who wants a true soul mate relationship needs the freedom to explore both her male and female side and rise and fall in her waves of dissatisfaction and fulfillment.
Women have to remember that it’s okay to have waves of dissatisfaction because they’ll come back to greater levels of gratitude and appreciation as little steps are taken to improve the relationship.
Ultimately, it’s important to understand what those little steps are that are most meaningful to your partner and to you!
I talk more about these skills and identifying these steps in my book Beyond Mars and Venus.
Remember that it’s necessary for both partners to express their male and female side.
While our male side may want more in the workplace, our female side will want more from the relationship, and biologically speaking, women need to express that desire for more — and have that desire heard — in order to feel fulfilled.
Lasting passion and growing together in love happens when both people are getting and giving the emotional support needed to be authentically themselves.
There’s nothing wrong with wanting more and expressing it for either the man or the woman.
Accepting this and your partner — exactly as they are — is the first step to creating lasting passion and soul mate love.
Grow in love,