My Inexperience Gets Between Us (I'm Afraid of Sex!)

Sex might not a big deal for some people but for others — it’s the nightmare that keeps them awake and sweaty at night!

The anxiety of “How can I grow in this relationship if I’m not having sex with him? How can I have sex with him when I’m afraid of pain, I have body image issues, and I’m terrified of saying no and appearing unworthy of his affections!?!?!”

Yes. This is a thing. And if YOU are struggling with some of these anxieties, you are not alone. In this post, I’m going to show you how to move through your anxieties around sex one at a time so that you can grow in love without any pressure or unrealistic expectations around sex.

Sound good? (I swear you’ll breathe easier after reading this and hearing my stories 🙂)

Dear Lauren,

I’d love to participate in intimate moments with my special guy. However, I am inexperienced (he knows this), and my fear of pain, insecure feelings, and poor body image create confusion between us. To him, I am an immature girl who simply does not want to have sex with him, and he ends up angry and discouraged. Help me dispel this cloud of confusion and advise on how I can communicate my thoughts without him having to be defensive.

– Alice

Sex is fun; hence its popularity. But it can be intimidating too. So, in order to move through your fears, I have three jobs for you.

1. Find the right man — someone who you feel safe with. It doesn’t matter what I or my readers might think of this guy. You need to decide if he is worth your time and your heart.

1. Set the pace. You know you’ve gone too far too fast when you are hooking up and you start feeling bored, start thinking about your shopping list, feel rushed or start to fake enjoyment for his benefit. The second you “check out” is the moment you need to put on the brakes. Stay in the realm of what feels good to you, what keeps you in the moment and in the mood.

1. Face your fears head-on! Don’t worry. I’ll help.

Fear #1: Pain

I’m not going to lie. The first time you have sex, it hurts…a little. The first time I had sex I was sure that thing was not going to fit. It was a scary and alien creature, and I couldn’t believe I was gonna let it near me — let alone inside! I was so tense, and no matter how persuasively he knocked on the door, my lady parts were closed for business.

Finally, out of breath and totally stressed out, I said, “We need to talk or play a board game or something!” I needed to be reminded that this was someone I loved, someone comforting and safe. After a while, I started having fun with him and finally relaxed. That’s when it happened. And after about 3 seconds of rampant swearing, he was in, and I was fine. The secrets to minimizing the pain are: relax, have fun, and remember who it is knocking on your door. ; )

Fear #2: Body Image Issues

Men know if they are physically attracted to a woman at first glance. If he has stuck around and you have grown a connection, you can bet your butt that he thinks you’re hot stuff. Looking at media and magazines will play nasty tricks on your mind, like “If you don’t have a 'perfect' movie star/model bod then you are not attractive.” Does that sound familiar?

Well, let me fill you in on a little secret: Men love naked women! Show him a boob; it doesn’t matter if your boob is small, “weirdly” shaped or if it hangs really low, he is just going to be so ecstatic that he gets to see your boob! You may not look like a movie star, you may have freckles or acne, you may have an abundance of curves or a lack of curves, you might have bags under your eyes or cottage cheese thighs, but he still thinks you're beautiful.

Now, if you want to bump beautiful up to sexy, it only takes one ingredient: confidence. No matter what you look like, throw back your shoulders, relax your body, smile, and make eye contact. I was told once that my posture was my most sexy quality. I was like “What?! What the heck does that mean?” thinking that if that’s my sexiest quality, I must not have a whole lot going on! He replied that my posture “reeked of confidence” and to this day that is one of my favorite compliments. A trick to connecting with your inner Diva is to pick out the features that you love about yourself and flaunt them. Confidence in the rest of your body will follow.

Fear #3: Insecure Feelings

It’s hard saying “no.” It takes a lot of gumption and self-esteem to say “no,” “slow down,” “wait,” “stop.” Questions like, “Will he reject me/dump me if I say no? Will he take offense? Will I lose my value to him? Is he bored with me? Will he go somewhere else to get satisfaction if I say no?” Let’s just say, if the answer to any of these questions is “yes” then get the heck out of there! That guy doesn’t deserve you.

I told my Dad once at dinner that I was feeling insecure about a relationship, and in the middle of the restaurant, he had me act out an exercise. If this boy didn’t like me because I wasn’t “putting out” or because I didn’t look like a model, well then, didn’t I have a few things to say to him?!

Dad told me to get angry and roleplay. So here we are at a fancy hotel restaurant in the Bahamas, and I’m yelling at Dad, “I’m not skinny enough for you? I’m not pretty enough? Well, guess what? I don’t give a damn what you think! Who do you think you are? You don’t like me because I’m not putting out? Umm, okay. This is how much I care: (fart noise). You obviously aren’t someone that deserves my attention.”

Thank God we grabbed dinner before the crowds rolled in, so no one but the waiters overheard! The pair of us were cracking up for the rest of the meal. It made me feel so much better (and so much more confident).

I highly recommend this ridiculous exercise; do it with a friend or even in the mirror. Because, honestly, if the guy is worth your time, then you have nothing to be afraid of. And if he’s not, well then, why do you care what he thinks? I think master psychologist Dr. Seuss said it best: “Be who you are, and say what you feel because those who mind don’t matter, and those who matter don’t mind.”

No matter how “experienced” you are, feelings of insecurity will arise in any new relationship. And when you find the right man and you take the time to develop trust and love, those fears shrink away to nothing. It won’t be about what you look like, or if you’re “good” at it; it will be about sharing something so intimate and profound with the man you love — and you won’t want to wait any longer.

With love,